The Best of Tyrone Biggums – Chappelle’s Show


Okay, remember now.
We’re not here to judge anybody. We want to handle this
with love, right? You want to tell him
how his drug abuse has hurt you, maybe hurt himself. Okay Harold, what time did you
tell him to be here? Five o’clock
but he’s always late. No, he’ll be here in three,
two, one … Is this a five o’clock
free crack giveaway? Y’all tell anybody,
I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! Peanut butter
and crack sandwich. This week, Tyrone gets invited
to an intervention. Lock the door. Good idea. Okay Tyrone, do you know
why you’re here? I’m here for the same reason
you is, man. I want some crack.
Crack. Okay, Tyrone, we are not
giving crack away today. What? What time is it? It’s five o’clock. Did I miss the five o’clock
free crack giveaway? Tyrone, these are
your friends here and they have something
they’d like to say to you. I’ve been tricked! Okay, Tyrone, I’m what is known
as an intervention counselor. Oh. And these people would like to
talk to you about your drug use. What you talking about, man?
I don’t do drugs. What’d you all them? Come on, Benedict Arnolds,
what’d you all tell them? Okay Rhonda, would you like
to go first? This is ridiculous.
What is going on in here? Do we get crack at the end? Tyrone, you know I love you but I feel like drugs is
hurting you and that hurts me. Tyrone, I was very hurt that you
car jacked me that time. What’s you talking about Rhonda? I would never car jack
that ugly ass car. Get out of the car! Tyrone, what are you doing? Who’s Tyrone?
I don’t know Tyrone. No it’s you,
you cracker ass lisp. I’m not Tyrone.
Get out of the car. Get out.
I don’t know any Tyrone. Look, the police found you
three hours later in my car asleep,
high on crack. That’s impossible, Rhonda. How can I sleep
if I’m high on crack? Chinese riddle for you. Okay, let’s have Janet and Rob,
okay? I aint do that, Rhonda. Tyrone, we opened
our home to you. You let your addiction
lead you to abuse our trust. Janet, Rob … look y’all. It’s me you talking to.
I would never hurt you. Don’t play dumb with us Tyrone.
I remember the whole speech. I just need $200 dollars. I take these real estate classes
and I’m back on my feet, baby. I’m serious, Rob.
It’s me, baby. It’s Tyrone.
I’m cleaning up my act. Okay.
Tyrone. Oh Rob, Janet, you all aren’t
going to be sorry about this! Oh. I studied my ass off
for that real estate test. We’re off to my mothers. We’ll be back Sunday evening. The number’s on the fridge
if you need anything. Okay. Bye Janet. Bye Rob. I passed my test and was
a certified real estate agent. Good for you, Tyrone. Damn right, good for him. He sold our house
and kept the money. $450,000 dollars. Where’s the money, Tyrone? He spent it on a party. Took out an ad
for it in the paper. You didn’t get your invitation
for that party? Oh Rob, you should have seen it. We had piles of crack this high.
I had a heart attack. Heart attack.
I’ll give you a heart attack. Rob! Come on, come on, come on. I’m getting a restraining order
against you, Rob. Harold, why don’t you go next? All right. Tyrone, I’m here
because I love you. Well if you love me so much
Harold, why’d you get me fire
from the post office, huh? Do you know how many people
on your route complain of receiving open mail? Seven? 136 Tyrone. And then there was the incident
with the powder. Oh! Attention everybody. Be on the lookout
for any enveloped marked Senator Tom Dashell
or Tom Brokaw. It might contain Anthrax. For your information,
that’s a white powder. Is Anthrax bad? Yes, Tyrone. And if it fell into the wrong
hands, it could be big trouble. I got than Anthrax
and it’s the bomb, baby. $60 bucks. If that man hadn’t
turned you in, it would have been a disaster. Y’all act like crack is so bad!
Well like the good book says, let he who is without
sin throweth the first rock. And I shalt smoketh it. Basically Tyrone,
we would like you to check into rehabilitation
immediately. All right. Okay. Fine. Fine.
You know what? I need to get better.
Y’all right. But first step is first
I need to go to the bathroom. And then I’m on my way
to recovery, Rhonda. I’ve got the key. And that wasn’t me, Rhonda. Go to the bathroom. Okay. I’ve got it from here.
Thank you. I’ll be right out. Oh. Oh. Why didn’t they say there
weren’t any windows in here? Oh. Here goes nothing. We have a very special
surprise today. Let’s hear it
for Tyrone Biggums. Hi kids. Thank you
very much, teacher. It is truly an honor
and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurt School or whatever your school
is called today. I say it’s a privilege because
it’s a violation of my parole to be around children.
But enough about that. Hello little boys
and little girls. Kids, y’all are looking
at a dead man. I should not be
in front of you today. Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life. I started doing drugs when I was
little, just like you fellow. Me and my friends would go home and smoke marijuana
after school. Can you say marijuana? Marijuana. That’s what I was smoking. Sometimes dipping
in embalming fluid. And me and my friends
would laugh and giggle and eat all the cookies.
It was terrible. Terrible. I can definitely say
he was the absolute worst anti drug speaker
in the history of drugs. Then I upgraded
to a little drug called acid. Very inexpensive
and affordable. Even young children
could afford it, it’s so bad. I did two hits of that
and Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo and all my favorite cartoons
came to my room and ate cookies with me
and sang songs for 16 hours. God damn. Talking about
clean up your room. And Mickey Mouse was doing
the bass line like this. And then he basically told them
where and how to buy the stuff. We all know we can sneak
into our mommas room when she’s sleeping
and take five, ten, maybe
$20 dollars out her purse, run on down to Third Street
and catch the D bus downtown and meet a Latin America
fellow named Martinez. We know that. And we know that Martinez’s
stuff is the bomb. Kids, drugs is all around you. How would I know
when drugs is around? You might be asking. Well, I’ll tell you.
You with the magic markers. What do you think that is,
some kind of crayon? No.
Take that cap off and sniff it. And you’ll be high. These little ones are 10
and 11 years old. You. You know what dog food
tastes like? Do you?
It tastes just like it smells. Delicious.
I’m going to the bathroom. I thought the worst was over.
I was mistaken. That, children, was the first
time I sucked a dick for crack. But it wouldn’t be the last.
Why one time I seen Martinez … I’m trying to say something- Thank you for the lovely
and moving and graphic story. You’re welcome teacher bitch. I’m not finished
but that’s all right. Can I get cash for this?
I’ve got some errands to run and I don’t think
I’m gonna make the bank. I- It’s my money, bitch.
I’ve earned it. Give me my speakers back.
Thank you kids. Goodbye. Hello. My name’s Tyrone Biggums. Sometimes the endless pursuit
of crack leaves me tired and depleted. But now cocaine comes
in a delicious shake. Red Balls.
It gives me wings. My baby! It’s my baby in the car! Oh my God! FYI, people do still
steal radios, you know. How do you think
I got this suit? Red Balls got me! Mayday! Mayday! We’ve got a crack head
lifting up the bus. Must be Red Ball. I love this drink.
Thank you, Red Balls. Excuse me, jailer. Pardon me but may I have
a Red Balls please? Shazam! Red Balls.
Cocaine in a can, baby. I can get some money for this. My name’s Jeff. I’m a computer programmer
from Redondo beach and I refuse to lose. My name is Rita.
I’m from Idaho, but trust me. I aint no couch potato. I’m Anne. I’m from Boston. I promised my mom I wasn’t going
to embarrass her here tonight. Huh? Oh. I’m Tyrone Biggums. I heard that I can
win a lot of money and I get a pig testicle meal
with all the fixings. Got to play to win. Here is your first stunt. We’ve got to eat that?
I can’t eat all of it. You each have to lie
in this coffin covered with worms and bugs. The three of you
that can last the longest will move on
to the next round. Rita, you’re up first.
Climb on in. All right, we’re going to have
to add a few more to the mix. Oh God. Oh Joe Rogan, you crazy. One of them tried
to crawl in my mouth. Oh god. One minute and 42 seconds. Let me just help you out. Get some all in …
there you go. Look at them spreading.
They’re spreading. Five minutes and 42 seconds. Anne, it’s all up to you.
Lie down. Oh God, that was gross. Wow. All right, Ty. I’m going to tell you something
about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know.
I smoke rocks. You did it, Tyrone.
You shattered Jeff’s time. You can come on out now. Oh Joe Rogan, if it’s
all the same to you, I’d like to finish
reading my newspaper. I haven’t had a chance to sit
still and read for so long. Technically you can stay
in there as long as you want. You know what? I think
I’m going to take a nap. Go ahead without me.
I’ll catch up. Could you dim the lights
please, Joe Rogan? Crack. All right, it’s time
for your next challenge. Walking on hot coals. Some of these coals burn
at over a thousand degrees. God damn. The two people that can spend
the most time on those coals will advance. All right, Rita,
you’re up first. Ready to do this? Yeah. Go! Time. Eight seconds.
Go! Come on Jeff. This is a test. Time!. Seven seconds.
Rita, he didn’t beat your time. Congratulations,
you advance automatically. Tyrone, it’s up to you now. All you have to do is beat
Jeff’s time of seven seconds and you will move on
to the next round and be that much closer
to $50,000 dollars. Oh. Take your shoes off.
Let’s do it. Whoa. Tyrone, I think
there’s something wrong with one of your feet. Oh. Go! Hey Joe Rogan,
is it almost lunch time? Because I smell
somebody cooking. Maybe some hazy steaks
or catfish and fried peppers. Tyrone, are you okay? You won. You beat Jeff’s time.
You advance to the next round. My feet are strong. All right, Rita and Tyrone,
here is your final stunt. Eat one of these platters
contains over three pounds of elk penis
in a light cream testicle sauce. It’s topped off
with diced pig bladder. For dessert,
we have horse hooves. Whoever can eat the most
is going to walk away with $50,000 dollars.
Go! Hurry up, girl,
I want to do my turn. Grab that penis,
suck them juices off. Suck it.
That’s it. Oh! I can’t do this. Are you sure? Mm-hmm
(affirmative) All right, I’m sorry.
You’re eliminated. All right, Ty. It’s up to you.
All you have to do is eat a little bit
and you’re the champion. And yada yada yada. You know, Joe Rogan,
this is not the first time I’ve tasted penis. I’ve had several
in my line of work. You taste penis’ all the time.
All kinds to get drugs. Tyrone, you are our champion.
Congratulations. And evidently fear
is not a factor for you. Fear is never a factor,
Joe Rogan. I’m trying to get
some crack rocks. For real, I did it.
I won. Come down on
these penis’ with me. Hot sauce! There you go.
Pretend like it’s mine’s. Tyrique, this money’s going to
change our lives forever. Tyrique, I can finally make
an honest woman out of you. Give you that rock
you always had your eye on. Here Tyrique, see? Oh Tyrone.
This will get us high for- Hours. I know. But first,
may I have this dance?

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