Five Stars – SNL


>>THIS GUY HAS FOUR STARS.
I WONDER WHAT MY RATING IS. HOW THE [BLEEP] AM I A 3.9?
I GUESS I DO MAKE THE DRIVERS WAIT A LOT.
>>3.9 STARS? WHAT IS HE A PSYCHO?
>>I WONDER WHAT MY RATING IS. 3.9?
WELL, I GUESS I DID HIT THAT KID.
>>OKAY, I GOT TO GET MY RATING UP TO AT LEAST 4.
I’M GONNA NEED A FIVE STAR REVIEW.
>>FIVE-STAR RIDE. YOU CAN DO THIS, PETROS.
>>OKAY, NOW TRY TO FORM A CONNECTION. ASK HIM SOMETHING
ORIGINAL, THOUGHTFUL. SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE WOULD ASK.
SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRIVING AN UBER?
NAILED IT.>>IS GOOD QUESTION.
I’VE BEEN DRIVING ABOUT SIX MONTHS.
>>COOL.>>NOW YOU ASK HIM A QUESTION.
SOMETHING PLEASANT AND NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.
WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU? DAMN IT.
>>OH, I’M NOT REALLY THAT RELIGIOUS.
I PUT ON SOME MUSIC. WHAT WOULD HE LIKE…?
>>IS THIS WHAT HE THINKS I LIKE?
>>HUH?>>YEAH I LOVE THIS STYLE OF
MUSIC.>>OR I CAN PUT SOMETHING ELSE
ON?>>ALRIGHT THINK.
>>AM I RACIST FOR THINKING THIS IS THE MUSIC HE LIKES?
>>I DO LIKE RUSSIAN TRANCE MUSIC.
YOU CAN DO THIS PETROS. FIVE-STAR RIDE.
USE THE MINTS. PEOPLE LOVE THE MINTS.
YOU WANT MINTS?>>UM, SURE.
>>AND MINT.>>OH GREAT.
>>JUST FOR YOU, TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
>>ARE THESE OFF BRAND RUSSIAN MINTS?
JUST TAKE THE MINT.>>WAIT, WAIT, I SPILLED SOUP.
>>OH MAN IS THAT CUBA GOODING JR?
>>WHAT NO WAY.>>THIS IS A REALLY GOOD MINT,
THANKS MAN!>>I SAW THAT.
>>HE TOTALLY SAW THAT. DUDE’S FREAKING OUT.
THINK, YOU NEED TO GET THIS FIVE RATING.
HOW’S THAT? A LITTLE SHOULDER MASSAGE.
YOU SEEMED A LITTLE TENSE.>>IT’S NICE.
>>GOOD YES.>>YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIM.
>>IS THIS OKAY?>>SURE YEAH.
>>OOTSIE BOOTSIE.>>TOOTSIE. NICE.
>>IS ALL ABOUT PRESSURE POINTS.>>WATCH THE [BLEEP] OUT.
GET OUT OF THE WAY. WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?
>>THIS WHOLE HORSE AND PONY SHOW TO IMPRESS EACH OTHER.
>>THESE RATINGS HAVE DRIVEN US CRAZY.
>>IS LIKE EPISODE OF “BLACK MIRROR” OR SOMETHING!
OH MAN, YOU WATCH “BLACK MIRROR” TOO?
[ TOGETHER ]>>THAT’S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
>>WELL, THIS IS ME.>>HEY.
FIVE STARS.>>RIGHT BACK AT YOU, BROTHER.
HAVE A GOOD ONE, PETROS.>>ADIOS, COWBOY.
>>WHOA! PETROS, WHAT THE [BLEEP]!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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